Assurance is comfort. Comfort is pleasure and pleasure is king in this increasingly hedonistic world. If this is true, then I have never known comfort. Because I have never known me ; I have never been sure. I’ve been a somebody and anybody to everyone. I have always been what people wanted me to be at that present point in time.

It’s very difficult to explain how I feel, difficult to explain how a somebody can be just that, A SOMEBODY in everybody’s world. An identity crisis. How can something be at a risk, at a position of difficulty or in a ‘crisis’ when that thing was never established at all?

Alone is how I feel. Not because I was or am unlikeable, atleast I don’t think I am, but because I care too little or too much in some cases.

My loss of identity and sense of insecurity have heightened to such a point where sometimes when I’m walking, I question if THIS is the way that I walk or if THIS is where my hands should be or if I’m inadvertently being NOT ME. Whatever that means. I have no idea what to do but to please others. No idea how to be happy independently without making others feel happy or good, even if that means placing their interests above my own. Someone once told me altruism is a myth, well I can assure you that self love is because I hate myself. One of the more “profound” things that I say a lot is how earlier I used to question why everyone wasn’t like me and how now I think to myself why I am not like everyone.

I claim to be happy at the fact that I’m sad, justifying it by saying “That’s just how I am” (If that makes any sense). I become whoever the person in front of me wants me to be.

In a previous post I said I am the most selfish person who is always fixated on pleasing myself, well this is a refutation of that post. Ironically, almost all of my posts on this blog are contradictions of each other. Much like myself.

To the zero people that keep up with and read this blog and care about my absence and inactivity, I am sorry.

One of the first questions that one encounters or receives when he starts studying philosophy is – Who am I ? Since I haven’t addressed this dilemma through this medium thus far, here’s my answer.

‘I’ am a memory, a memory of what this meaningless entity labelled Siddharth Balodi was . I am worthless and have no meaning or reason to be here but yet here I am writing this meaningless blog which hardly 2-3 people will ever read. This blog only satisfies my need for expression and perhaps only helps to vent out my emptiness.

What have I achieved? What have I become? Why do I have to be someone or do something? I have an insignificant impact on this world, on my world. I’ll weed out of this world and only the last person who reminisces my presence would care.

As Dolores Abernathy said – “You only live as long as the last person who remembers you”

I’m not depressed, but I have no reason to be happy, no reason to look good, no reason to speak well, no reason other than proving my worth to myself.

But then again who am I? Why am ‘I’ so fixated on pleasing myself? Why am I so selfish?

I am nothing but a thought and I hope I have an impact great enough to keep this thought alive for long.

No human is extraordinary by himself. What makes him extraordinary is his work or his karma (it’s pronounced karm btw) and the life he leads. You don’t need to be different to be different.

Everyone wants to be different and something more than what they are and that is what makes them not themselves, it makes them an image of themselves that wants to please both those around him and at the same time please himself.

Anything a person ever does is for only himself. No one is truly selfless.

Coming back to the point, in this race to be different and better than everyone else, one loses sight of himself and makes them a slave to other people’s responses and wants.

I like to think is that being ordinary is what makes you stand out, makes you the most yourself. If one lives an extremely ordinary life in which he tries nothing extra and at the same time does not do any less than what he is capable of , that person’s life is truly memorable.

Being ordinary is the most extraordinary thing a man can do.

You see there’s a million different ways in which you can be someone else in order to please him or her but there’s only one way in which you can be yourself.

” There’s a lot of beauty in ordinary things

Isn’t that kinda the point?” – Pam Beesly

The state of today’s society is sad rather than unjust. People are so occupied with themselves that they fail to see the futility of their own self- obsession.

Today’s world functions on “societies’ rules” and people have accepted society and it’s rules as their mandate. This has led to the diminution of creativity.

Our ambition in life is to do something that just about satisfies our ego but at the same time doesn’t hurt society and it’s rules. All of this dissatisfaction leads to unhappiness and then people start to question themselves and their own abilities and start to question their reality.

They begin to search for the ultimate ‘truth’ of life and the meaning behind life. But no one ever finds meaning or truth, Because there is no truth.

Life is meaningless until you add an objective to it and that objective can never be achieved because once you achieve one goal you set your eyes on another and the process continues.

This neverending process of moving forward while gaining momentary happiness when you complete your goal is, what I think life is. This is what I have based my reality upon and this is what I believe to be ‘true’. But then again,

There is no truth, just opinion.

Fear is what governs the human mind. Fear is what controls our perception of right and wrong. Fear is what compels us to succeed and thus it is fear that must be overcome in order to be free(in a sense).

I am afraid of a lot of things and I think almost everyone is afraid of these things, the things that I am afraid of are the fear of the unknown, the fear of being afraid, the fear of being alone, the fear of being ‘ not good enough’ or the fear of being unwanted. These fears are inherent and invariable. People who claim to be ‘fearless’ are actually the people who are the most afraid. One cannot overcome fear, one can only embrace it.

I’ve heard people say follow your heart or listen to your heart, but if I listened to my heart, I would have been lost. This is because the heart is one of want and not one of need. The mind is our guard to our Oblivion. And the mind is controlled by our fear.

People say that the ones who ‘fail’ are afraid of their darkness.

BUT,

It is not my darkness that I fear, it’s losing my light that terrifies me.

I don’t know why but I have this compulsive need to express myself. I feel this need, more of a moral obligation really, for output. I think this compulsion is born out of jealousy rather than good virtue for I’ve seen people who are satisfied with the most trivial of stuff. I don’t want to be condescending but I have seen people much more undeserving than me getting opportunites and doing not the worst but certainly not the best with them. Not that I am sure that I will certainly do better but opportunities are needed. I have desire but no motivation. I want to be so much more than a slave of a monotonous lifestyle and society. I want.

Thanks for joining me!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton